Out Of The Dark
by McGorgeous
Summary: What happened to Addek? Why did they split? Addie comes back to seattle grace and she gets confronted with the past. Continue YAY or NAY? Addek, eventually
1. Out Of The Dark

**For Natas and Mandy**

A/N: So, came up with this after listening to "Out of the dark" by Falco, who I usually really don't like, but good song actually...

Disclaimer: Don't own it, if I would, I wouldn't be that depressed a/b Addek break up.

**Out Of The Dark**

This was it. Addison Forbes-Montgomery was back in Seattle, the place that her ex husband and a special intern had made living hell for her. But she was past that now. Addison had moved to LA, to make a clear cut. Something that was going to save her from drowning, Drowning in all the mistakes and lies of the past. She was good now, she had managed to actually move on. So coming back to Seattle on a consult was just another step on the way of her moving on to better things, to a happier future. A future she had always seen herself with Derek in, but this was the past.

She took long and confident steps, her heels clicking on the pavement. There was no way she was going to let the past bring her down. Not anymore.

Xxx

"Addison?" A familiar voice behind her asked and of course she knew who it belonged to. So Addison turned around and couldn't help but feel happy about seeing her ex husband, a charming smile as always.

"Hey." She smiled back at him, her stomach doing little flips.

"What are you doing here?" He was surprised to see her, it had been so long. Too long. Derek had missed her while she was gone, but he wasn't going to admit this, ever, not even to himself.

"Thanks for the warm welcome." She rolled her eyes jokingly.

"Sorry." Derek smiled sheepishly before moving closer to hug her "It's great to see you again." He never wanted to let go of her again, it felt too familiar, too good to have her close. "Yeah, it's great seeing you again too." Addison said when they pulled apart again, every fiber of her body protesting.

"Your hair is different." He said after a bit. She had dyed it dark brown after moving away. "Yeah it is."

"You haven't worn it like that since—"

"I know." She interrupted him, not actually wanting to talk about what had happened five years ago. It was the past and he didn't need to know how much it still hurt her to talk about it. Derek just stood there and looked at her, remembering everything like it had happened yesterday, the pain still so strong.

**FLASHBACK**

"I never ever want to leave you." Derek smiled at his wife and his little daughter. "You have to work, you know." Addison laughed and kissed the baby's head. "We'll miss you." She smiled, Addison couldn't be happier. She had everything she had ever wanted. A husband who loved her more than life itself, a good job, money, a house in New York and a daughter. It was like a dream, one she never wanted to wake up from. "I'll miss you too my favorite girls. But sadly I have to go." He sighed. "And lives to save." Addison added and kissed him good bye. "And lives to safe." He repeated with a broad smile on his face "Bye sweetie." He said to his three week old daughter and pecked her cheek, before getting up hesitantly, not actually wanting to leave. "I'll call you." He told his wife. "I really hope so, and be back on time for dinner."

"I promise I will." Nothing was going to keep him at the hospital any longer than needed. When he still didn't walk away Addison threw a pillow at him "Now go!" She laughed. "Alright, alright. Gee, I have such a nice wife." Derek 

sighed dramatically and walked towards the door. "You love me for it." Addison grinned at him and he turned around to look at her again. She had never looked this beautniful, she was glowing with happiness "Yeah I do." He smiled, hoping he would be back with his family soon.

After Derek had left Addison laid her daughter down for a nap "Sleep well honey, I'll see you later." She knew the little girl couldn't answer, but Addison was convinced she needed to know where everyone was, even though her husband always made fun of her because of that.

The phone rang after just three hours and of course it was Derek checking on her "Derek, we're fine, really." Addison couldn't help but smile at her husband's concern.

"_Are you sure you don't need anything?" _He asked, concern very evident in his voice.

"Yes sweetie, believe it or not, we're alright on our own. Besides she's sleeping anyway."

"_Okay, but tell her I love her." _Derek smiled, he wished he was home right now and not in an empty on-call room at the hospital.

"I will." She reassured him, a smile gracing over her face.

"_I love you too, just by the way." _He laughed.

"That's sweet that you love me, even if it's followed by a 'just by the way'." Addison joined his laughter "But surprise, surprise, I love you too." She grinned, even though she knew he couldn't see her.

"_Oh, really? Now I'm shocked." _Derek joked and feigned surprise.

"Yes really honey, now you should go and do something for your money."

"_Fine." _He sighed dramatically.

"You won't die, besides the sooner you get to work, the sooner you're back home with us."

"_Very wise."_

"Don't mock me!" Addison warned, doing her best to stop herself from laughing.

"_Would I ever?" _Derek smirked, before hearing a knock on the door. _"Hey I really have to go, the chief is telling me to hang the hell up."_

"Yeah, sounds like him." She laughed. "Love you."

"_Love you too." _They hung up and Addison climbed up the stairs to check on their daughter.

"Hey sweetheart, daddy says hi." She walked over to the crib to look at her daughter. The minute she didn't see her chest moving Addison turned white, this couldn't be. "Honey, wake up!" She knew something was wrong and when her hand reached out to touch her daughter she was cold as ice. Addison broke down in tears, realizing that her worst nightmare had come true.

**FLASHBACK**

Tears filled her eyes, thinking back of the night that had changed her life completely made Addison's heart break. "I don't want to talk about it." She said quickly.

"Why not Addie?!"

"Because you never even cared! Not once did you talk about her! It was like she never existed to you! You had your work!" Tears sprang out of her eyes, she couldn't control them anymore.

"I did care! Hell I still do! There isn't one day I don't think about her!"

"And why don't you ever say her name Derek?! Why?!" Addison walked away, hoping he would just let it gp. She didn't need him to remind her of this.

"You're not the only one hurting Addison!" Derek called after her.

"Oh really?! Do you lie awake every night and ask yourself what you have done wrong?!" She spat. Of course Addison blamed herself for what had happened to their daughter.

"So you thought of that when you fucked my best friend?!" This was it, she didn't need any more of that. Addison walked away, trying to stop the tears from falling.

xxx

**Continue YAY or NAY?**

**Awful or okay?**

**GIMME**


	2. Abandoned

I WANTED TO THANK YOU ALL SOOOO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS AND I HOPE YOU'LL KEEP ON READING!!

**Abandoned **

**FLASHBACK**

"Addie? Are you alright?" Derek carefully pushed the door of their bedroom open. He was worried, worried about his wife who hadn't left the house in three days. Since the day she had found their daughter dead. And today was probably the hardest day of their entire lives. It was their daughter's funeral. Everything had changed between them, it was all different.

He couldn't describe how he felt. He hated himself for not being able to be there for Addison, or actually help her. But when he talked to her she'd try to avoid eye contact, tell him she was fine and the walk away. He knew she wasn't fine, she couldn't be. She had lost their child, her child. Derek could tell by one look into her eyes that she was broken. The once shimmering and sparkling emerald green eyes were empty and cold.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Derek heard her sniff and slowly entered the room to see his wife wipe her tears away. Tears that had become so familiar over the past three days.

**end FLASHBACK**

And once again tears clouded Addison's vision. She paced down the long and gladly empty halls of Seattle grace hospital and into the closest office.

There she sat down under the desk and hugged her knees close. This was something she had started doing ever since Derek had become abstent, shut her out and leave her alone. Night after night Addison's hopes rose, just to feel her heart getting broken once again. Broken by the exact same man who had once vowed to love her until the end.

Maybe their daughter's death was the end. The end of all happiness and love. Now Addison couldn't hold her emotions back any longer and salty tears began to float down her cheeks.

**FLASHBACK**

"Derek?" Addison asked with a shaky voice. She had been waiting for him for hours now.

"_Look Addie, I promise to make it up to you."_ Derek sighed into the phone.

There was no way he could make this up to her, All Addison wanted was her husband to be with her and not a 'sorry' or 'I'll make it up to you' she was tired of it. It had been weeks since they had spent time together, since he had held her. She hated to admit it, but right now she just needed him there to hold her. But sadness turned into anger and rage soon.

"That's what you've been telling me for weeks! You're never here! You don't care about me, maybe you never have, but now you stopped pretending you actually do care!" Addison spat, she wanted to let him know how alone and abandoned she felt.

"_I can't talk right now. We'll discuss this later."_ And just as Addison started to yell, her husband hung up on her. She wanted to yell, be mad, but instead she sank down on the cold hardwood floor and began to sob. Addison 

needed him to be with her. She hadn't just put on a nice dress and cooked a fancy dinner just for herself. Which usually meant she'd throw plates against the wall. But it wasn't about the dinner, or the dress, but about what it represented. He was constantly leaving her alone. Alone with her thoughts, her guilt and her tears. The endless tears that never seemed to stop.

**end FLASHBACK**

Derek hated himself for what he had done to Addison, but it wasn't like she had ever tried to talk to him.

Or did he smilply not notice her attempts?

That couldn't be. He knew Addison, he had spent more than a third of his life with her, he would have noticed.

Derek was convinced that he knew his wife, well ex wife by now. But did he really?

All their happy times seemed to be so far away right now. Too far.

Like nothing good had ever happened when they were still together. But were they really lost? Was there nothing that had once bound them?

Or did they just drift apart like leafs in the fall?

He didn't have an answer. All Derek knew was that he had to try to find Addison.

**FLASHBACK**

"Derek! Talk to me!" Tears were forming up in Addison's eyes, she had been trying to talk to her husband about what had happened, but he always walked away.

"Now is not a good time." He said emotionless. She couldn't read him like she had used to, now he seemed cold, his eyes were empty.

"Then when is a good time? You have been avoiding me for weeks!" She could feel hot tears floating down her cheeks.

"I don't know!" Derek snapped at her and turned around to walk out of the door of their brownstone.

"But I need you!" Addison sobbed.

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Loved it? Hated it?

**GIMME**


	3. It's a Heartache

QUEENADDEK: Yeah he is and it's not rly getting better, but how do you think he feels?

Liz: A catchy Britney song? OMG well lol, anyway, hope you're happy that I updated and I still haven't got that cookie you wanted to send so long ago -pout- So yeah, our favorite duo isn't exactly a duo anymore... sadly...

Emilyyyyyyyyyyy: well lol, un-erectified? Awesome lol, sex is still gd tho (see, I've said it xD). And if you say that you hate this one more time you won't get any in rly long!! (Note to self: Delete this before giving to my English teacher...)

addekislove: Glad you like it and again, Derek has his reasons, ppl deal differently with those kinda things.

Zappylllllyyyy: You rly are Queen Satan, happy a/b ur teacher breaking her leg tststs but again, glad you love it ;-)

**A/N: **Woop, I updated, even tho I'm rly busy b/c of my exams, lol, but I'm also going out 2night so yh u deserved this.

**Disclaimer: **If I'd own em, I wouldn't write exams no, would I?

Song by Bonnie Taylor

**It's a Heartache**

_Its a heartache  
Nothing but a heartache  
Hits you when its too late  
Hits you when youre down  
_

He didn't have a right to do this to her, he didn't, not anymore, ever again.

Addison was holding onto the desk, she was sitting under, not able to let go. Her knuckles turned white, her shoulders shook in grief as the tears just wouldn't stop falling. Endless pain had taken her over. Pain that couldn't be described with words. Pain, that would never stop, this was what she was sure of. Addison felt nauseous and she remembered how she broke down at her daughter's funeral. How her legs just didn't support her anymore.

This was the first time Addison Forbes-Montgomery Shepherd had ever really let her guard down. She wasn't able to control herself any longer. The numbness was gone and all that was left now was heartache. The realization finally hitting her that their little daughter, who had already been such an important part of their lives, wasn't going to come back. That they had lost her forever.

Addison could remember people looking at her, giving her their condolences, but this was the worst part. They had actually expected her talk about what had happened. If there was one thing Addison despised then it was pity, seeing how people were feeling sorry for her, it just made everything worse.

And Derek… She couldn't even remember where he was, but she remembered that he started working after this. He had always done that. He tried to deny his feelings, tried to block them out with work. Addison had always thought she was the same, but she wasn't. She had sat at home and looked at ultrasounds and pictures, everything that was somehow connected to their little girl. She had waited for him to come home. Addison was actually ready to talk about this. She had this need to. But Derek never came. The hospital had become his home. He preferred uncomfortable hospital beds, everything not to be confronted with Mandy's death.

Just thinking of her name made Addison cry harder. The name they had picked out together, the only name they had liked and agreed on.

Derek was rushing down the hall, determinded to find Addison, He had hurt her with what he had said. Both of them were still hurting when he had thought she stopped caring about all of this a long time ago. But how could he? He knew that she wasn't made of stone, he knew how much she cared and always had. And he had loved her so much, he had loved both of them. What had happened?

Derek Shepherd had always had everything you could wish for: A beautiful wife who loved him more than anything, a great career, money, a house and a little daughter. But one day his daughter was taken away from him.

It was then when Derek had stopped caring about everything else. She was gone and he didn't want to realize it, like Addison probably had, when they lowered Mandy's cassette and buried her. He knew in this moment his wife's world had broken down. Every breath he took hurt, it felt as if his heart was being ripped apart. It was then when he realized he hadn't wanted to let go. Of course not. And Addison hadn't either, but she dealt with it, or so he had thought.

**FLASHBACK**

"_Derek, please talk to me." He saw his wife's puffy eyes at were red from crying all night. She was begging him to stay, but he couldn't. He just couldn't do it. He couldn't hold her, he couldn't comfort her and Derek hated himself for it. But instead of answering, he just shook his head. To Addison it seemed as if he just didn't bother._

"_Please." She tried again, her voice was small and broken. This woman was the exact opposite of how Addison had used to be. She was confident, strong and independent, though all of this seemed to be so far away right now. Just in this moment she was heart-broken and Derek knew it, but he couldn't deal with this. So he walked away from his wife who needed him more than anything in the world right now. He walked away like he had done all along._

**End FLASHBACK**

Derek swallowed hard at the memory and how Addison had looked and begged him to just be there for her. But he never was. She called, he didn't answer. It must have broken her heart. Suddenly everything had become so much more important than his own wife. More than the woman he loved so much. He could feel the tears building up in his eyes and clouding his vision. He had let her down.

And knowing this made him hate himself so much, He wasn't there when she had needed him, when he was supposed to be there.

Not because he didn't want to, but because he couldn't. Seeing her like this made him feel horrible, it made him remember their daughter and he didn't want to. For Derek denying everything was the only option.

He knew he had been selfish and he knew how much he made her suffer.

Addison tried to get up from the cold floor, finding out her legs couldn't support her. It hurt so much.

She knew that Derek cared at first, she remembered how worried he had always been, at first. But back then she didn't want to talk, she had plastered on a smile and told him everything was fine when everything was just not fine. She had lied and pushed him away. And Addison knew it had hurt him. Both of them had made mistakes in the past, but they couldn't get past it.

After the funeral Derek had been barely able to look at her, let alone touch her, or kiss her. It had seemed so impossible to move on with life. Maybe it was. Maybe they weren't meant to work things out.

_It aint right with love to share  
When you find he doesnt care, for you  
It aint wise to need someone  
As much as I depended on, you_

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Yeah, I know, not my best work, but an update anyway.

**GIMME**


	4. All my Fault

Zoe: aww I didn't wanna make you almost cry! Sorry and love ya too (coughTXTcough)

ilovemyblacklab: I think I wrote that Addie slept w/ Mark but yeah here you get to cut her some slack...

Liz: I'm sorry my update took so long!! And I know, it's like kinda short... Woo you're the only one who felt sorry for Derek here! Congrats, you're a nice human being lol

simbagirl: Again, sry update took a while and THANKS

kyrsten: Awww Thankies!

Phoebe: I am NOT evil! Okay, maybe there is a reason ppl call me ruler of all that is evil and satan and stalin BUT you're the one going on vacation, not me!

Soo, this chapter is... very short and the update took me long, I know, have mercy, life hates me!

**Chapter dedicated to Beth (BananaXPancakes) **because she put up with my complaining, helped me w/ my depressing mood AND saved my day w/ a Maddek threesome! Also for **Zoe (Queen Satan) **I think you know why, but yeah, the awesome txt msgs xD

**A/N** I updated, even tho I shld be doing chemistry right now but urgh it's just so boring!!

**Disclaimer **I own nothing, but Beth and I wanna rule the universe!

**All my Fault**

When Derek walked through the door of Addison's office he was slightly surprised she hadn't locked it. She had always locked the door when she wanted to be alone, but it had changed, everything had changed. They weren't the people they had used to be. This was the end of the road. It had been for them, they had driftedapart, too far to be able to be fixed, ever again. He looked down on the floor and saw her sitting there. Her head resting in her hands, she hadn't noticed him yet so Derek slowly walked over and sat down next to her, wrapping his arms around her body that shook in sobs. Instead of pulling away, as he had expected her to, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer, her head against his chest.

"Oh Addie, I'm so sorry." He whispered, rubbing soothing circles on her back. How he hated seeing her broken. Derek had to blink his own tears back, thinking how often she must have cried without his even noticing it.

"Why did she die? How could I have let her die? It's all my fault." Addison sobbed, gasping for air. She blamed herself for everything that had happened, knowing she shouldn't. She was the one watching their daughter, she was the one who could have checked on her earlier, she was the one who let her die.

"Addie, it's not your fault, nothing that happened is." He whispered, knowing she wouldn't believe him. He had seen cases like this before. A boy fell off a tree and died and the mother blamed herself. He never would have thought something like this could ever happen to them, but it did and it tore them apart.

"Yes it is, I could have done something." She whispered, probably more to herself than to him, like she had done day after day, night after night.

"There was nothing you could have done." Addison knew he was right, but if there was only the slightest chance that something she could have done could have saved their daughter's life she wouldn't ever be able to get past this.

"But what if there was? Then she would still be with us." Her voice was small and barely above a whisper. Derek pulled back a little and looked into her eyes, which were filled with grief.

"Addie, there was _nothing_ you could have done. You did everything you could, you were an amazing mother." He needed her to believe this, he needed to believe it himself. Believe that there was nothing they could have done, he could have done.

**FLASHBACK**

"_Addison? Look, I can't come tonight, I'm sorry but I have a last minute surgery I need to perform." Derek said hurridly he didn't have time to put up with his wife right now, neither did he have the nerve._

"_Derek, please." She closed her eyes and sighed, this was the fourth night in a row that he cancelled on her. And she didn't even know how long it had been since they had spent an evening together or he had slept at home, next to her. _

"_I'll tell Mark to come over so you have some company." And then he hung up. Addison looked at the phone in disbelieve. No 'I love you' and not even 'bye' or 'I'll see you later'. Nothing._

**End FLASHBACK**

"I'm so sorry for everything Addie. The way I treated you and… I'm sorry." Derek looked at her, oh how he wanted to just take her pain away, fix them again.

"I know." She said softly. Addison knew he was sorry, she could see it in his with remorse filled eyes.

"Come on, let's get out of here." He got up and offered her his hand, which she took.

"Thank you." Addison gave him a slight smile as they walked through the door and out of the hospital.

"We can make it through this." Derek said softly and pulled her a little closer. Maybe they still had a chance.

xxx

That's it, this is_** the end**_, I'm gonna hit the complete button now!

No, actually I'm just kidding, if you want me to continue then review!

**GIMME**


	5. For Better and for Worse

**A/N: **Okay so I have not updated in over a year? Is that right? Well about that lol. Sooo I had a grand time in Nebraska and honestly totally forgot about this fic. Maybe I should have hit the button to end the whole thing. But o well I didn't. I actually think I will get 3 reviews tops because you might think it's selfish not to update but hey I don't get paid.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own it, if I did, Merslut would have died in a tragic accident and Addie and Der would be happy together. Sue me n you'll sleep with the fische.

* * *

**For Better and for Worse**

They could make it through this. Yes. That's what Derek Shepherd had told his wife. And he was entirely so sure of the fact that they could make it through everything, as long as they were together. But the death of their child, and having small issues to deal with such as work, small fights about basically nothing. This wasn't what any of them had expected to be the 'worse' part in their vow all those years again. Both Derek and Addison had seen cases where parents lost their child. It made them drift apart, divorce, in one or two cases suicide. Every time after seeing such a case they had come home, told the other that this would never be them. They'd talked about how exactly they'd deal with all this. But now that it had actually happened, those ideas were ripped to shreds. No one could ever be prepared for this. No one could ever know how they'd react in this situation. There were no plans to be made before hand.

Now all Derek could do was wrap his arms around his beautiful wife.

"Der…" She sniffed. "I think we should try counseling…" Addison looked up at him, her eyes filled with something he hadn't seen in a long time. Hope. "I mean I saw that you researched about it on your computer. No matter how soon you close it so I can't see it, I always do." She grinned slightly and Derek couldn't help but thank God. They were going to be okay. He knew it, he could feel it.

"We should." He agreed and held her tightly. Derek never wanted to lose his wife; he didn't know how he could have been so emotionally absent, how he couldn't have fallen asleep next to her, his arms around her. He hated himself for hurting her.

"We should." Addison repeated and nodded. Derek was the one person who held her heart in his palm. The one person who was her life. And the only one she ever wanted to be with. For better and for worse.

"Can you get up?" Derek was slightly worried about how long she had been sitting on the cold hardwood floor.

"I think so…" She gave him a weak smile and he helped her up, pulling her in a hug again. It felt like he just needed to be close to her, she was his air to breathe, the one person who made him whole.

"I'll make you dinner. You just rest, okay?" And he was so worried about her. Worried that their love wouldn't survive this. But by looking into her emerald green eyes he knew that everything was going to be alright.

"I can help you with that though… Even if I'm the one person who can even mess up cornflakes." And now the Addison he loved so much was back, it was as if all the pain was lifted off of both of them and they finally went back to being themselves.

"I love you Addie." Derek smiled at her and kissed her softly. She sighed contently, melting into the kiss. Both of them had forgotten how good it felt, how good they could make each other feel.

"I love you too." She whispered against his lips, her eyes still closed. For better and for worse.

"Derek! No! Come on!" Addison whined as he tried to keep her away from the knives, with a grin on his face.

"Addie, you'll hurt yourself again." He teased, reminding her of the incident a couple of years ago.

"Oh come on!" She tried not to laugh, he was such a dork. Just because she had cut herself, okay it was a deep cut, but still.

"Well, if you wouldn't have complained about me letting you touch that knife, then I might let you cook." Okay, what Addison usually did couldn't be considered cooking, more making a huge mess in the kitchen and pouting when the food didn't turn out the way she had wanted it to.

"Fine." Addison crossed her arms and pouted.

"I still love you baby." He chuckled and pecked her lips.

After dinner everything felt like the good old days, they were joking around, laughing and just happy together. They ate, did the dishes and now walked up the stairs together.

"Thanks for dinner Der." Addison gave him a smile. She was so happy, finally again, after such a long time of grief, darkness and the feeling of being such a failure.

"You're more than welcome." He smiled, wrapping his arms around her. But Addison suddenly stopped in her tracks, frozen. And Derek knew why when he saw where Addison was looking at. Their daughter's room, which was right next to their bedroom.

**Flashback**

"_Der, I don't want her to be so far away from us…" Addison looked at her husband as they talked about which room their daughter should have. The one down the hall was always supposed to be the nursery, but Addison found the guest room next to their bedroom way better._

"_Hmm… You're actually kinda right." Both of them knew just too well that once their daughter would probably hardly ever sleep in her own room. Because neither Derek nor Addison would want to leave their daughter._

"_I know I am." Addison grinned, her hands resting on her baby bump, which was still rather small._

"_I know, I know, you're always right." He mocked her, which earned him a smack from her. They had never been happier together. Finally they were going to have the one thing they had always wanted, a family with the one they loved._

"_Hush, you know it's true." Addison grinned happily. Everything was perfect. Maybe a little too perfect to be true. No, that wasn't possible, they saved lives every day. They deserved luck._

**End Flashback**

* * *

In the end I wanted to say that this might be my last update on this story, unless some of you want to keep reading.

Review please!


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